Questions or Resources for: Manhood in Islam

Whatever you'd like to share to help me prepare for this lecture, I'd appreciate it.

To get your mind working, here are some things I look for to add to my speeches...

1. about 5 verses related to the topic, and their Tafseer
2. A fable/folktale, if possible, that relates to the topic
3. Arabic and takhreej of 5 hadith related to the topic
4. Heartwarming quotes or stories or verses/hadith that discuss the topic
5. Heartwarming quotes or stories or verses/hadith that equal:
importance of quran reading
6. Relevant Fiqh issues related to the topic that EVERYONE wants to
know about, very popular fiqh issues related to topic.
7. 10 tips list of something related to the topic (ex: 10 tips to
manage sadness). It can be less then 10 tips. And you are welcome to
include multiple lists.
8. Why is this topic important? A list of three reasons with proof.
9. What exactly is the problem in this topic? what questions need to
be answered?
10. Good or bad, what mainstream (non-Muslim) advice is given on this topic?
11. Do you have any real life heart warming (or chilling) stories of
people who succeeded (or failed) at this topic?
12. What is the opposite opinion of the approach we are taking, and
what are their arguments? (ex: if we say you should be patient, others
say it is good to vent out loud because then it gets out of your
system. What's the response to the response?)
13. What action items should someone take regarding this topic?
14. Interesting Statistics related to the topic (ex: percentage of
women who suffer miscarriages)
15. Questions that might be on the minds of people regarding this topic.


Anonymous said...

Assalam-o-Alaikum wr wbr,
The realizaion that Zina is worse then driking alchohal or eating port. There are lots of muslims who will not drink alchohol noether eat port, wont even lie yet then want to commet Zina. Not because they want to disobey ALLAH but they do not place it at a level which is worse then the other mentioned vices.
The realization for the society that the physical and emotional needs are a lot more stronger and needs to be dealt with.
The parents should work towards marrying there children early even if the parents have to support them on a certain level. I think once the physical desires are controlled, the rest will be much easier.
Abu Ibrahim

Muhammad Alshareef said...

Look at the top list, and pull out resources from there.

Otherwise, questions are also great.

The more point form the better.

Abu Zakariya said...

As salaamu alaikum,

Important because:
- Divorce rate
- High amt of bros who live in debt, dont know how to manage themselves nor a home/marriage
- Our children will be growing up in a tumultuous time and need proper role models

Things to know:
- Definition of manhood in Islam. Ex. has he attained it when he is muscular? Drives a nice car? or independent of his parents?

- Principles which a man should live his life by. What does integrity mean? What is honor?

- Rules of interaction with non-mahram women. ex. is it ok to be friendly, or do we pretend like they have cooties.

- A mans relationship w/his parents after marriage. i.e. does he still play the role of 'son' like he did before marriage?

- What a man should strive to be before he gets married, so he can be a proper husband. Ex. out of debt? working full time?

- Essential soft skills every man must have. Ex. know how to resolve an argument, how to defend himself

JazakumAllah khair

Nirgaz Abdullah said...

I always found it significant that many of the great scholars had great mothers in their lifes. As a mother that stuck out to me, of how vital my role is in nurturing my sons in the right direction.

Anonymous said...


I hope know one takes offence to my input, but as a male youth, I would like advice on controlling our desires and attractions towards the opposite gender. In a world that is becoming more and more provocative and open to sex and that sort of thing, it leads many of us to sin (pornography, dating etc.) due to desires that can be so hard to control (particularly in the West).

Also, a topic that many might consider taboo is homosexuality. There are guys who experience uncontrollable attractions, and few scholars seem to have addressed this from a psychological point of view and practical ways to deal with this problem - a problem that really does exist, but is hard to discuss openly, especially for the one who's going through it. What do you do if you suffer from this? How can parents prevent this during that critical period of childhood personality development and so on.


Anonymous said...

Getting married as early as possible is the correct and right thing to do.

I know some brothers who will resort to zina/ or masturbation, even though they have the money/means to get married they do not want to because they want more money before they get married. They want to be "settled". Although I feel like one should be somewhat financially stable, you don't need 100k in the bank to get married.

Also they should be mroe realistic when coming to rating themselves. Many brothers these days find excuses for not going to the masjid, not being financially stable, always complaining. They don't want to take any action because they are too afraid to do anything! Afraid of what? Afraid of responsibility.

The MUSLIM man should take on more responsibility and not be afraid of things like not enough money to get married, afraid of responsibility, more freedom, all excuses from shaytaan.



Anonymous said...

From a woman's point of view, I think its important for men to know their responsibilities becuase, even if a woman knows her Islamic rights and responsibilities, alot of women dont receive those rights becuase men are physically stronger and dictate what happens.

One good area to focus is a mans' responsibilities concerning nikkah. Alot of men still dont understand what is maher, and that it is something that they will be questioned about in the hereafter if they dont give their wife that 'gift'.

Some soft skills a man must have:
help around the house (alot of men think its a 'womans job' to take care of children, clean, cook etc....but that is a more cultural view point and not an Islamic view point.

Also, men in general are known to 'talk' less but Men definitely need to learn to communicate better!... I think they need to understand the nature of women better so that they can be better husbands. For example, most men will use the excuse that they are not used to communicating their feelings or talking much but they need to realize that a woman feels loved when a man 'talks' to her and communicates to her, and not just when he is with her physically.

Anonymous said...

When I was 20, I almost married a man (age 22) who wanted to marry right away because of his desires, but had no job, nor an adequate education. In fact, later he married a girl, they immediately started having children, and are now on welfare. He is constantly between jobs - it is a trend a see too often among young brothers who identify themselves as "Sulafi". Please address this.

Anonymous said...

is a nice story on an amazing man

Anonymous said...

Salamu 'Alaikum brother, I'd suggest you teach men in the following topics:

*their duties within the home i.e. housechores

* their duties outside the home i.e. financial earnings

*their conduct overall with everyone in particular family.

Salamu 'Alaikum.

Anonymous said...

Salam Brother, you may want to use the ayah that defines a muslim marriage relationship (Hunna Libaasun Lakum wa antum Libaasun la-hunna). Also about the Prophet SAW, that he used to sew his own clothes.

sadhu asocial brother said...

Assalam Alaikum,

Instead of just focussing on post-marriage issues and conflicts between man and woman, can you focus on how a Muslim man is supposed to work in a kaafir society?

Muslim men studying sciences in Western countries are under constant pressure, I at least am. I have lost track of what my Islamic responsibilities are. I am not married and do not plan to be. As such I am on my own. The only thing I care about is my research work. I am obsessed with it. I communicate with other humans only to the extent as it relates to my presentations and stuff. I have few friends. In other words, I am anti-social. If given a chance, I would escape to the forests and live alone without any human around me. Can that be Islamic? What are my Islamic responsibilities for working in a society? Is a Muslim male allowed to run into the forests because the society tempts him too much?

Can you address the questions of what to do when the only way to succeed in a society is to become materialistic? Brothers who have been trying to get into professional schools, lets say medicine, know that they need to "show the game" in their social skills to actually succeed. Even if the brother has significant academic credentials, volunteerism and has demonstrated that he is empathetic to humans in need etc, he might not get into professional schools just because he does not fit in the Western ideal of a social mean i.e. does not socialize a lot. Due to these pressures, some brothers become anti-social. They become disheartened from society etc.

It would be great if you can focus on these dire practical issues rather than just discussing post-marriage problems, which are important as well, but not as important to neglect other aspects of life.

Will be indebted to you. Also please let me know how I could listen to your suggestions in the speech.

Walaikum Assalam.

Anonymous said...

9) what exactly is the problem?

- Don't understand or give importance to the idea of ACCOUNTABILITY, therefore can shun responsibility
- Do understand accountability, but feel unable/inadequate to fulfil responsibilities, ie. INSECURE in some way. In my opinion its emotional insecurity

- therefore idea of ACCOUNTABILITY and SELF-ESTEEM need to be focussed on. Also, to persist and not give-up,a sense of PURPOSE

11) examples/stories?

- the people who i have seen sucessfully master this have always been the most principled people. ie. they will stand by their word and belief, whether it be religious or not.
as the saying goes "a man who stands for nothing, will fall for anything"

8) topic is important as:

-if these issues are dealt with before marriage ie. during youth, will lead to better prepared individuals and ROLE MODELS

-there are a lot of youth who have so much potential, but no MOTIVATION or OPPORTUNITIES to push them in the right direction

Hope this helps :)

Assiya said...

Assalam Alaikum
Assiya from Mozambique

Answer the fundamental question: Do we believe in God? If so, we must understand that Allah has promised to give us everything in the right measure. The trick is not to pursue what we THINK we need, but to graciously accept what we HAVE been given and learn to use it appropiatly in our lives because what ever it is, it has been given to us in the right measure.

Hope this helps

Anonymous br. from the US said...

I would like to hear anything on how to deal with anything keeping you from meeting your responsibilities or... milestones before you could feasibly look to get married. E.g. sporadic/persistent health issues, unemployment, debt, academic problems, family problems and so on. I guess when it comes down to it you just have to be patient. However at times it can be frustrating and worse yet you may not catch on to having given up (in a sense or altogether) somewhere along the line.

On that note I recall back in high school and even college some friends and I felt similarly in lack of motivation. There were no real dreams, ambitions, or proper plans as to what we wanted to do with our lives, where we wanted to go/be. One's sense of responsibility at that age becomes skewed or even skewered when you don't have direction. No doubt many of our youth will tough college out and then some out only to find themselves back at square 1 with debt to boot ( and for some without their youth so-to-speak).

Anonymous said...

As salamu alaikum wa rahmatullah

I recommend as a source "Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Man" by Steve Harvey. Mashallah, the author concisely states what a proper man should do, although the Quran and Sunnah are best. Harvey observes a man is doing right by his wife if he (1) provides (2) protects and (3) professes love for his wife. He describes how men's love is different from women's idea of love, and why a man does what he does in relationships. It's actually a lot of info, so I can only recommend reading it.

Anonymous said...

8. Why is this topic important? A list of three reasons with proof.

1- Too many boys these days, not enough men. The gangster persona is making young boys act like animals. Rather than show respect to others, these boys choose to behave like hooligans in order to gain praise from their friends and supporters.

2- Respect for parents is becoming an unwelcome task rather than a well-received duty.

3- Disrespect for women and encouraging disrespect for women is becoming the norm. This issue is too big to comment on in one paragraph.

This all adds up to an immature and unstable male becoming married and not having a solid foundation to maintain a happy marriage.

10. Good or bad, what mainstream (non-Muslim) advice is given on this topic?

Unfortunately, you would have to refer to the current budweiser tv soap opera or hollywood marriage to gain perspective in to what a "happy marriage" is here in the west. Of course, it is wrong to paint everyone in the same brush, but society as a whole speaks for itself when a simple tv program includes a semi nude female, a well built shirtless man, a sexual suggestion or reference, or all of the above. This is important because too many youth are living through media and are projecting that in their daily life. This includes marriage. This is why the divorce rate is climbing steady in the west. Marriage was for Deen first, but money, rank and fame have taken priority. Religion is becoming a convenience because material and fun are far too important. Want proof? Teach a junior high or high school class of Muslims or non-Muslims(all the same either way)....and im a teacher.

Anonymous said...

pls help to educate mothers to raise thier sons even more sensitively than their daughters to raise the males strong in imaan and righteousness from day 1 of birth - I go through this alomost daily since i got married many years back - my husband who had a childhood filled with lust and zina that was known but wasnt dealt with by his family and the fact that he got married and the consequences fell on me as a wife alone !! everyday I face "hidden from the world except Allah" the torment of this knowldege that my husband did all that before marriage and even continued to do so after marriage and his expectations from me were on same dirty pattern that he was used to. as I have kids also and I cant do anything nor go any separate ways while my husband takes my submissive nature for granted and while the family sleeps in comfort I go to sleep crying almost so often. he is heartless towards my crying and feelings and has no remorse but arrogance and dominance by verbal aggression - if it was only taken care of - by the right teachings at the right time !! may Allah give him and all of us hidayat and safe us from the torture of hellfire for such major sins that many take as normal in their lifestyles ameen

Anonymous said...

Sisters who are looking to get married are finding that they have the house, the car, the education, and what is the brother doing of a similar age. Many in their late 20s are students, and are looking to get married.

The other point is sister's who are raising boys. They admit themselves how they are very attached to them - if they are like this now, then what will they be like when the daughter-in-law comes along?

Anonymous said...

al-Imam ash-Shafi’i on Manhood:

It is reported in ‘Hilyat al-Awliya” (9/161) and elsewhere that the genius and scholar Muhammad bin Idris ash-Shafi’i said:

“By Allah, if I were told that even drinking cold water took away from my manhood, I would not drink it except while it was hot.”

Anonymous said...

Imam Al Shafi’ee, raheematullah, said that manhood consists of four pillars:

1. Worship
2. Generosity
3. Good Manners
4. Humility

Anonymous said...


Please explain what is our role in life and especially living in the west, on a day to day basis. Until we understand and realize this we will always be in a limbo.

Take Care

Sara said...

Something around domestic violence - working we a range of different communities, I have perticularly found the men from South Asian communities have an attitude to their wives that could or would lead to domestic violence.. I am not saying all men are like that and that women themselves can be the cause, but as this topic is about Manhood and Islam, it should be tackled.

Anonymous said...

You know i've been thinking about this topic ALOT, and I'm so glad you've decided to talk about it.

I feel that one cannot attain manhood unless they are given responsibility, and only when one carries this responsibility do they mature and truly grow into men. One of the misconceptions, I think, that males today have of attaining manhood, is by moving out when going to university; because how can they mature living with their parents at home [they say]? A debatable topic, but would you not agree that particularly if the parents are getting old and are in need of assistance, or as a lone parent, and especially as the eldest/only male in the household, that living at home whilst going to university and looking after your parents will in fact truly make you grow into a man?

One story that really inpsired me was the story of Musa (AS), how he was strong and how he used that strength to help the needy and weak in the society. Such as, when he offered to pour the water for the two girls from the well; there was a long queue, and only the strongest could get a decent quality and amount of water first - the weak had to make do with the left overs. Musa, upon observing this, helped the girls' out, used his sterngth (he was one of the strongest, if not the strongest, there) and handed it to them...Indeed, what a gentleman! He did not abuse this strength, which I find very admirable.

Nowadays, you see males going to the gym, working out to look good, but never actually using it help other people out; only there for show, to lure the girls in.

Seriously, our society is in need of real men.

I really look forward to listening to your views on the subject. Becasue I really have been thinking about this for some time now and it would be very interesting to hear your point of view :)

Anonymous said...

Assalamo Alykom Brothers and Sisters:
Bofore i say something i think every problem in the muslim society Stems from the lack of Islamic Knowledge. Anyway
In my view we should divide this into to categories:
1. What are the responsibilities of the Parents
2. What are the responsiblities of the childrens
In most of our present day muslim society the Islamic Knowledge and values are fadded away. In the present day Materialistic day, to a boy since his primary school it has teached to him that first he should make his career and then think about getting married. starting from Primary School to Universities. All this sins done by the Boys are going to the accounts of his father. Same goes for a Girls, since the Men prefer doctor and engineer etc girls. We have lost our priorites which should be based on the Religion and not worldly affairs. In islam we are told to get married as earlier as possible and its half a deen. So the problem start from the Muslim Parents. I think an average muslim Men marries at the age of 30-35, which is pretty late, and i think leads to other problems. Also as i said earlier, that actully all these problems stems from LACK of ISLAMIc KNOWLEDGE.
Salamo Alykom

Anonymous said...

Tests and trials contain many lessons.

1. The first lesson – From the benefit of tests and trials is the influence it has on one’s tawheed (worship of Allaah), eemaan (faith) and tawakkul – reliance upon Allaah. It makes you examine the reality that man is a weak creation without any power or strength, except in your Lord. Therefore you resort to Him and depend on Him. Thereupon arrogance, false pride and negligence will be removed and you will come to know that you are really poor and in need of your Creator, the Almighty, the Most Perfect, and so you resort to Him.

2. The second lesson – Tests unravel the reality of this life. It is clarified to be a temporal stay for enjoyment, and the perfect life is the one which follows, wherein there is no toil, worry, fatigue or disease. Allaah سبحانه وتعالى stated this in Surah al-Ankaboot, verse 64.

وَإِنَّ الدَّارَ الْآخِرَةَ لَهِيَ الْحَيَوَانُ لَوْ كَانُوا يَعْلَمُون

{And this life of the world is only amusement and play! Verily, the home of the Hereafter – that is the life indeed (i.e. the eternal life that will never end), if they but knew.} [al-Ankaboot 29:64]

Even with this amusement and play there is also toil and fatigue. This is the reality of this life – one day life is smiling at you, and the other day it is turning its back on you. This is the nature of life, but man forgets that. The trials and tests come and they serve to remind man of the nature of this life and that he should not become attached to it.

Anonymous said...

3. The third lesson – The tests and trials remind the person of the favours bestowed upon him by Allaah. It is also a reminder that this life is transitional.

4. The fourth lesson – We are reminded to avoid being in a state of joy such that we feel arrogance and likewise to avoid a state of sadness and grief such that one feels despair. Allaah سبحانه وتعالى sates this in Surah al-Hadeed, verses 22-23:

مَا أَصَابَ مِن مُّصِيبَةٍ فِي الْأَرْضِ وَلَا فِي أَنفُسِكُمْ إِلَّا فِي كِتَابٍ مِّن قَبْلِ أَن نَّبْرَأَهَا إِنَّ ذَلِكَ عَلَى اللَّهِ يَسِيرٌ {22} لِكَيْلَا تَأْسَوْا عَلَى مَا فَاتَكُمْ وَلَا تَفْرَحُوا بِمَا آتَاكُمْ وَاللَّهُ لَا يُحِبُّ كُلَّ مُخْتَالٍ فَخُورٍ

{No calamity befalls on the earth or in yourselves but it is inscribed in the Book of Decrees (Al-Lauh Al-Mahfooz) before We bring it into existence. Verily, that is easy for Allaah. In order that you may not grieve at the things over that you fail to get, nor rejoice over that which has been given to you. And Allaah likes not every prideful boaster.} [al-Hadeed 57:22-23]

5. The fifth lesson – Trials and tests remind the person of his shortcomings and diseases (of the heart and actions) so that he can take preventive measures against them. Allaah سبحانه وتعالى says in Surah an-Nisaa’ verse79:

مَّا أَصَابَكَ مِنْ حَسَنَةٍ فَمِنَ اللّهِ وَمَا أَصَابَكَ مِن سَيِّئَةٍ فَمِن نَّفْسِكَ وَأَرْسَلْنَاكَ لِلنَّاسِ رَسُولاً وَكَفَى بِاللّهِ شَهِيدًا

{Whatever of good reaches you, is from Allaah, but whatever of evil befalls you, is from yourself. And We have sent you (O Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم) as a Messenger to mankind, and Allaah is Sufficient as a Witness.} [an-Nisaa’ 4:79]

And Allaah سبحانه وتعالى says in Surah as-Shooraa, verse 30:

وَمَا أَصَابَكُم مِّن مُّصِيبَةٍ فَبِمَا كَسَبَتْ أَيْدِيكُمْ وَيَعْفُو عَن كَثِيرٍ

{And whatever of misfortune befalls you, it is because of what your hands have earned. And He pardons much.} [ash-Shooraa 42:30]

There is a chance for repentance before the greater torment occurs. Allaah سبحانه وتعالى says in Surah as-Sajdah, verse 21:

وَلَنُذِيقَنَّهُمْ مِنَ الْعَذَابِ الْأَدْنَى دُونَ الْعَذَابِ الْأَكْبَرِ لَعَلَّهُمْ يَرْجِعُونَ

{And verily, We will make them taste of the near torment (i.e. the torment in the life of this world, i.e. disasters, calamities) prior to the supreme torment (in the Hereafter), in order that they may (repent and) return (i.e. accept Islaam).} [as-Sajdah 32:21]

This lesser torment is in this life which is full of calamities, disasters and hardships.

6. The sixth lesson – Tests and trials serve as great teaching processes through which one learns patience. We cannot be firm upon truth and obedience except with patience; and we cannot stay away from falsehood and disobedience except with patience and perseverance. We cannot walk the paths of this life except with patience regarding the pre-ordinance of Allaah. The outcome is jannat al-qulb war-ridwaan – the endless bliss in Paradise and the Pleasure of Allaah سبحانه وتعالى. Allaah سبحانه وتعالى says in Surah Fussilat, verse 35:

وَمَا يُلَقَّاهَا إِلَّا الَّذِينَ صَبَرُوا وَمَا يُلَقَّاهَا إِلَّا ذُو حَظٍ عَظِيمٍ

{But none is granted it except those who are patient – and none is granted it except the owner of the great portion (of happiness in the Hereafter, i.e., Paradise, and of a high moral character) in this world.} [Fussilat 41:35]

Anonymous said...

Assalam Alaikum Muhammad Alshareef and to everybody. I took 2 hours to meditate on this topic and after deep thought i would like to suggest that you discuss about 'Anger and Kindness'. In today's world, this is something VERY rare. In anger, one fights one's parents, is harsh to one's wife and oppresses her, causing her deep sighs and lamentations. In anger, the wife becomes insolent towards the husband, a child fights with his parents, a student fights with his teacher, a disciple fights with his spiritual guide, an ummati fights with a Nabi and the bondsman fights with Allah! Through this dangerous illness, one is deprived of his venerable elders' kindness. One who respects his elders will be rewarded by their kindness

I have recently published a report (of 19 pages) about this. But for this specfic issue, i will post some paragraphs below that will surely help you.


Rasulullah SAW has said: "Do not make the animal's back your pulpits." This means, if you need to talk to someone, get off the animal and talk, for animals are not for this purpose. Islam enjoins great mercy to animals. If it is forbidden to trouble animals, then, my friends, those who trouble their wives, how much punishment are they not inviting upon themselves for their action? Rasulullah SAW said, "those with the most perfect Iman are the ones whose character is the best. And the best amongst you is the one who treats his wife well". We learn from this that the highest standard of best character is good treatment to the wife. Allamah Aloosi (RA) has related a narration in
Tafsir Rûhul Ma'ani that Rasulullah SAW said: "Those husbands who are merciful, their wives overpower them." This means they start speaking sharply, they become playful towards the husband and do coquetry, but they do have rights. Rasulullah SAW said: "O Aysha, when you are angry with me, I come to know of it, because then you say: "By the Lord of Ibrahim (AS) and when you are happy with me, then you say, "By the Lord of Muhammed." So women do have a right of getting upset. Shariat has scope for it. The hadith says: "These women overpower men who are kind, but men that are ill tempered and possess bad character, shout, beat and fight with their wives and overpower them." It is said that in certain places, husbands beat their wives on the first night to create a fear in their hearts for them. Astaghfirullah! What oppression and ignorance! May Allah give us Hidayat. Rasulullah SAW said: "I prefer to be suppressed but kind (with regard to my wives). I do not want to be ill-tempered and overpower them." He SAW said: "Women are from a crooked rib. Look! Although they are crooked, are we not benefitting from them?" If you will try to straighten them, they will break! Therefore, your treatment towards them should be one of love, kindness and mercy, then life will become enjoyable. Hadhrat Moulana Thanwi (RA) used to say that those people who reject Allah's intercession of "And treat them kindly," are shameless. If some great person commands us to protect and look after the wife, we will take pains in fulfilling the order of such an important personality. Here Allah, Most High is commanding us to treat our wives well, then how much more importance should be given to this order. Let us ponder deeply over what is to be done and what we are doing. Coming back to the subject of anger and kindness, to swallow anger is a great training of the 'self', because anger is fire and to control it is very difficult. So, rewards upon it are also very great and one attains experience according to one's training.


Should you be interested in the full published report, i can email it to you. You can reach me on salimwng @

Jazaak Allah

Anonymous said...

A beautiful poem by Allma Iqbal for self esteem
(in urdu and its translation)

Sitaron se aage jahan aur bhi hain
Abhi Deen ke imtihan aur bhi hain

Beyond the stars there are worlds more
Our quest yet has more tests to pass

Isi roz-o-shab mein ulajh kar na rah ja
Ke tere zamin-o-makan aur bhi hain

Lose not yourself in the cycle of days and nights
Within your reach are feats even more

Agar kho gaya ek nasheman toh kya gham
Maqamat-e-aah-o-fugaan aur bhi hain

Why worry if you have lost one abode
There are a million addresses to claim

Kanaa'at na kar aalam-e-rang-o-bu par
Chaman aur bhi, aashiyan aur bhi hain

Do not rest on what you have
There are paradises more to explore

Tu shahin hai parwaz hai kaam tera
Tere saamne aasman aur bhi hain

You are the falcon, your passion is flight
And you have skies more to transcend

Gaye din ke tanha Thamay anjuman mein
Yahan ab mere raazadan aur bhi hain

Gone is the day when I was lonesome in the crowd
Today those who resonate my thoughts are more

Anonymous said...

9. What is wrong with this topic? What questions need to be answered?

Well I was just wondering why "Manhood in Islam"
-is manhood different across cultures and religions?
-what similarities are there across the board? Providing for family, marriage, etc...
-Are there inherent man-nerisms (pun intended) attributed to biology? What is learned/unlearned?

Anonymous said...

as sallaamu alaikum
as an american woman who has been married three times now to arab/pakistani muslim men who decieved and lied to fulfill their own nafs while claiming they were following quran and sunnah, i want the men to be reminded that the greatest of the contracts to fulfill in this dunya is the marriage contract. and that every act should be done according to quran and sunnah. not all sunnahs are fard upon the men. if you cannot correctly implement as sunnah that is not fard upon you, then dont do it. you will end up wronging yourself, the woman, the children if any, and have set a bad example to the non muslims as well.

do not lie for any reason to the woman you are going to marry - example: pretend you make more money than you really do

do not hold back or conceal anything that may be important with the excuse that she did not ask - example: you already have a wife in jordan.

i know this is the wrong wording, but i dont know how else to say it - marriages between white/black american women and arab/pakistani men. these marriages are failing at alarming rates. when i was divorced after this third marriage i was told to take comfort in the fact that at least a dozen other white american women had been divorced 6-8 times here in houston. subhannah Allah.

my daughter has sworn now that she will never marry any arab or pakistani. my sons hate their own brothers in islam from the middle east or pakistan because of the injustice portrayed against their mother over the last 10 years. you can tell a child whatever you want about Islam, they learn from what they see and know in the home. mine have learned that Islamic marriage doesnt seem to work and that men are free to do what they like.

the men need to realize that Allah will ask them about their treatment of the women and simply thinking that saying "enta talaaq" does not excuse them from everything.

in regards to polygyny, if a brother cannot fulfill all the rights and responsibilities of the sister while abiding by laws of the country he lives in, he should not do it. this does not go against Islam nor does it mean that we are putting kaafir laws above shariah. but just as we cannot stone to death someone in america, so too does a man have to realize that legally he will not be able to provide everything equally in this country.

Anonymous said...

Rabia Khattak, Michigan.

Assalamalaikum WRWB,
I would like to add that in today's society where in a lot of marriages, both the husband and wife are earners...the men have to be told/reminded of the fact that in reality THEY are the breadwinners and that the wife is not responsible for the bills etc.I am seeing marriages ending because men are treating their wives like free bank accounts and demanding shares in the wife's salary.

Also, the man is responsible for the care of his parents and not his wife. A good wife will automatically be kind to her in-laws but she is not the only one responsible for the care of his parents.

A muslim man needs to learn how to create harmony and balance between his parents and his wife & kids.This seems to be challenging for a lot of brothers out there and I hope you can give them advice and tips on how to do that.
Jazakullah Khair for your efforts. May Allah reward you manifolds for all your hard work(ameen)

Anonymous said...

- having self-esteem and self-confidence without being smug.

Anonymous said...

According to my personal opinion, Manhood is the name of responsibilities Allah has placed on us, knowing that this life is a test and not our destination. These responsibilities are fulfilling the rights of Allah. As, Allah said in the Quran in sura Al-Mulk, ayat-2. Meaning “I have created the Men and Jinn solely for My Worship”. But as we know that worship in Islam has a very broader meaning. Since, Islam is Deen, which covers all aspects of life for each and every person in their given circumstances. In Islam one can convert all his actions to worship by just having the knowledge and right intentions. In one of the Hadith, the Prophet (PBUH) has said, that even fulfilling the physical desires with ones own wife is a kind of worship. Since this way one can keep away from the sin of Zinna.

So if we divide it into two categories, one is fulfilling the rights of Allah through worship e.g. Salat, Zakat, Hajj etc. Another circle is fulfilling the rights of fellow human beings for the sake of Allah, e.g. Parents, Family, neighbors, relatives and other fellow Muslims or Human beings. Performing all these acts while keeping the right intentions of doing it for Allah according to Islamic Sharea is the real Menhood.

So Menhood is not what I want but rather What Allah wants and expect of me to the best of our abilities Inshallah.

Anonymous said...

sorry, the above post should be how to develop self-esteem and self-confidence without coming across as smug...I think self-esteem/self-confidence is important with regards to the topic of manhood...some great posts, questions, and comments...I'm enjoying reading them...keep 'em coming...

Anonymous said...

Salam Alaikum Muhammad Alshareef,

In my experience, I have noticed that men are usually held accountable for successes and failures of a family even when all family members enjoy an equal level of respect and integrity.

On the topic of "MALEhood, being a responsible muslim man", I would like you to talk about how can a young, married man, under debt, supporting his family, balance everyone's expectations?

What if an expectation/demand by one family member will lead the man into a situation where he will no longer be able to support his family? (for instance, changing city of residence)

Saif (Canada)

Anonymous said...

Assalamu alaikum,

I wholly disagree to the fact that it is up to the mothers to raise men. Sorry, but it is upon fathers to raise men. You see, long time ago, gilrs were taught by the mothers, learnt how to cook, learnt all the woman's duties from a very young age.

Long time ago, boys were taught by their father. Rasulullah (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam) accompanied his uncle on a journey while he was young. Thus, it was normal, from teh age of 9 or 10 to accompany the father even on long journeys.

Nowadays, mainly because of two factors which are school and father's job, the boys do not accompany their father to work. They are mainly in the responsiblity of the mother. How can a mother accompany her son to the mosque? How can a mother accompany her son to men's gatherings?

So, from the age of 9-11 upwards, the main job of a woman in educating the son is finished. The job is now to the father.

Yes, I can heard the fact that great mothers raised great imams. However, those great mothers had the support of a tribe or the society or of elder sons. When Umm Imam al-Bukhari accompanied her son to Makkah, she was accompanied by her eldest son. When Umm Imam Ahmad was raising her son, she was living with her in-laws.

O Men! Take responsibilities of your sons! I, as a mother, can send my son to the mosque without his father but I have other kids to tend to and I cannot check where he is going, before, during and after prayer.

O Men! I am a woman! How can I raise a man? I can raise women. Do I have the courage of a man? Do I have the strength of a man? Do I have the will of a man? Do I have the intellect of a man? NO! Even if I am an amazing woman, I am still a woman. Aisha (radhi Allahu anha) was a great woman, she had great knowledge, she participated in battlefields, yet she was a woman. She broke a dish when she became jealous, i.e. at that particular time, she lost her intellect.

O Men! It is YOUR job to raise a man. My job as a mother is to make sure he has a good character, he has good akhlaaq, he becomes a leader, he studies well, he knows his responsibilities, he pays attention to the needs of women, especially his wife, ... but there is ONE thing I cannot give him and it is MANHOOD.

Umm Hanifa

Anonymous said...


1) I really think we need to address how men should reconcile differences between their mothers and their wives, be clear on each of their rights over himself- often I find my friends contemplating divorce simply because their relationships with their mother in laws and lack of support from their husbands have left them no alternative.

2) Being a good role model for one's children: despite's one's flaws and shortcomings, it's so so important that we do our best to make our children the best muslims they can be Allah willing..sometimes troubled muslim fathers parade themselves outwardly committing all sorts of sin i.e. gambling, abuse etc. though this should not even be happening, the children should certainly NOT be exposed to it or be in knowledge of their father's failings (or mother's) when they are young as they are influenced so easily.

Anonymous said...

id like to see how a wife can help/support/encourage her husband to fulfill his duties/responsibilities with hikmah. Nagging doesnt get us anywhere :P

Anonymous said...

'Children Around the Prophet: How Muhammad (sallallahu 'alaihi wa sallam raised the Young Companions'. In it, Dr. Hesham Al-Awadi, looks into the authentic narrations about the young Sahabah, the boys in this case not the girls, who were children during the prophethood of the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam). It is a real eye-opener and it makes you look at the Seerah and raising children in a new light, from the eyes of the children.

Anonymous said...

Umm Yusuf,
I am experiencing a difficult time with my husband, he is in his mid thirties and i feel he still is attached to his father's apron strings! you may think i am being harsh but the man will not do anything without his father, his father is very domineering. i think men these days do not really know how to shoulder the responsibilities of having a wife and giving her her rights, alot is said about the rebellious wife, but what about the rebellious husband? i dont know of other men but my husband wants to marry again yet he does not provide for me, i live with his parents and his father pays for everything, i am going off the topic, but do men really truly know how to shoulder the responsibilities of a wife and brining up children. i dont know from my very limited experience before marriage we gaze at the stars hoping we will have a certain mate but when reality hits home, its a different story. i dont know brother Sharif please advise me am i an ungrateful wife?

another problem i seem to face in UK is a fertility problem and men do not seem to be as supportive of their wives as they could be...i agree the role of the mother is vital in rearing a well balanced young man!! maybe the men today are too much of mummies boys?

Farhana UK said...

Salaam, there are so many interesting points here, as an older sister with younger brothers, growing up ws quite difficult in the sense that they didn't really have a proper male role model to ask 'male questiions' to like personal hygiene etc. & what's what. I think there needs to be clarity around what is what in basic English, in the same talk to cover the beard, wearing jewellery etc. I know this is basic but to this day it's something I see blokes getting their 'pants in a twist about. There's another comment that stands out about desires towards the opposite sex and then towards the same sex. (this can apply to
males and females) homesexuality amongs Muslims is on the rise and really needs to be addressed asap. I dnt know how to tackle
it, and those particular individuals also prob have temptations in secret or become so open they don't care..... Also communication skills and learning that being open in comminicating goodness love and care isn't a problem. Finally, there responsibilties to their families before and after marriage. Oh and one more thing please highlight that dads are cool and really really special and grandfathers are amazing.

Umm Ayoub(Seattle) said...

Aslaamu laykum,

I think it would great if masjids hold something that is continues that talks to both young and older men about their responsibilities. I find it interesting has two or three people mentioned about homosexuality in my opinion marrying at an early age and with not so picky parents should help a lot.

Anonymous said...

Assalamu alaikum,

Jazakallah khair for taking on such an important topic! As a 24 year old woman, I'm terrified of marrying because I feel I will have more guts and sense of responsibility than my husband. I think some sisters feel they must compensate for the lack of action of their brothers, and take on a lot. Muslim men you need to MAN UP and fast! May Allah SWT help you in this cause.

Some interesting statistics:
1. The majority of school drop-outs are young men. Of the 212,000 drop-outs in Canada in 2004-2005, 135,000 were men (Figure 3). The rates of dropping out among young men was 12.2% in 2004-2005, compared with 7.2% for young women. For both men and women, the drop-out rate has fallen from 1990-1991, when they were 19.2% and 14.0%, respectively.

2. Youth crime
The most likely victim of youth violence are other youths (56%), and male youth in particular . Six in ten victims of youth violence were male. Overall, 84 young people, 72 boys and 12 girls, were implicated in 54 homicides in 2006. Just over one-half (52%) of homicides in which the accused was a youth involved multiple perpetrators, compared with only 15% of homicides that involved an adult accused.

This is just a taste of the kinds of stats out there, and I'm sure they're comparable in the US, UK and Australia. Male youths are dropping out and resulting to crime or other delinquent behaviour. Some reasons:
a) Mental illness (depression, bipolar, low self-esteem)
b) Social systems are gender biased. Minority males are less likely to get a job than minority females. Also, current policies favour women over men.
c) Lack of real role models. We dont live in the same society our parents did where they had intergenerational households, if dad was at work grandfather would impart knowledge. Now, with decreased health status of seniors, conflict killing off older men, older muslim brother's focusing on their "careers", it's harder to find someone to look to.
d) Opportunities for Islamic knowledge is not lacking, but mentorship by Islamic leaders is. We need Sheiks, Imams, Community leaders etc. to take these boys under their wings.
e) Change can only come from realizing there's a problem. If men are too arrogant or self-absorbed to realize there's a problem, it will be difficult.
f) Lack of a strong Islamic identity. There are so many conflicting messages about Islam from the media, friends, home, etc. that if you do not have a strong Islamic base, it's easy for you to get off target quickly.

I'm really looking forward to this seminar as I want my children, inshallah, to grow up in a world where their father, his friends, brothers, etc. can be seen as strong and outstanding role models and leaders of this Ummah.

Jazakallah khair.

Anonymous said...

Asisa, Germany

The youth are the spark of the fire. Either they shall burn the way or pave the way. TIRMIDHI

found on

Anonymous said...

I thought this was interesting if you could talk more on this that would be great. Jeezakumullah khairun.

Anonymous said...


Assalamu alaykum warahmatulahi wabarakatuhu,

May Allah reward you for your efforts Sheikh,

1) Allah swt says: "Ar rijaalu qawwamoona ala an nisaa ..." Nisa:34 - When Nikah takes place between a man and women, both are given responsibilities, and amongst the responibilities that are given to men is to protect his wife. Allah swt has preferred the men with regards to their physical strength, their emotional stability,and intelligence, etc. They are also the providers of women. Do men use these qualities the way they should? Or do they abuse them? Like someone mentioned above, notice how Musa (A) used his strength. This is one of the characteristics of manhood.

2) Allah swt also says: "O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is men and stones...." Tahrim:6 - Allah swt calls on the people who have Iman. This shows how important it is for us to listen. Men are the head of the household. Are they doing their utmost in saving thier wives, children, and others under their roof from the fire? Today, men let their women wear revealing clothing, let their children their do what they want, leave their families with tv sets and go off to work, etc. May Allah swt protect us all.

3) Men have a major responsibilty of raising their children with proper tarbiyah. Men should look at one of the best examples of a great father, Ibrahim alahi salam. He was gentle and kind to his own father Aazar, and in turn his child Isma'eel was dutiful to him. He practised what he preached, advised his children, and was a living example for his children.

4) Part of manhood is having taqwa and being ready to make sacrifices for the sake of Allah swt. Allah swt says: "falamma balagha ma'ahu as sa'ya ..." As-Safaat: 102 - When Isma'eel alayhi salam reached the "age of striving/working" (scholars say the age of 13), he was more than happy to accept Allah's command for his father to sacrifice him. At the age of 13, who is ready to sacrifice their lives for the sake of Allah swt? Isma'eel (A) was and this is because of his taqwa and good tarbiyah from his mother Hajar (A). And there are many more examples of young sahaabah who made sacrifices of their time, wealth, and lives due to their love of Allah swt, and this proved their manhood.

5) Da'wah is a responsibility for men when they reach a certain age. The story of young Mus'ab bin Umayr (R), a companion who had it all, and when he came to Islam, he lost everything. He spent his life serving Islam and he was the first ambassador to Madinah. He ended up a shaheed with nothing but a cloth that could barely cover him (R). In reality, he was a successful person. He knew his responsibilities in life, and did the most to fulfill them. He was a man.

6) Men with regards to their wives. They should take Rasulullah (S) as an example in this. Many men think that housework is beneath them, and it will effect their status if they help out. Rasulullah(S) would: "sew his own clothes, mend his own shoes, and do whatever other work men do in their homes." Musnah Imam Ahmad. Also the famous hadith: "the best of you are those who are best to their wives."

Anonymous said...

7) Shyness is a vital characteristic needed in men. Some men think that being shy is a looser characteristic, this is wrong. Abu Sa'eed al Khudri says: "The Prophet (S) was more shy than a virgin in her private room, and if he saw a thing which he disliked, we would recognize it on his face." Bukhari So basically, good character is part of manhood, and shyness is part of good character.

8) Men being dutiful sons and taking on the responsibility of caring for their parents. Allah swt commands both men and women to be dutiful to their parents. However, when parents get old, it is usually upon the son to take care of them financially, etc. As he is the one who is earning and is the head of the household and has control over matters. Nowadays, men are fleeing this responsibility, leaving the honorable parents of this ummah in nursing homes.

May Allah swt guide us all to fulfilling our responsibilities, may He forgive us for our shortcomings, and may He grant us Jannatul Firdous. Allahuma Ameen.

Wa salaam,
- one who poor and is in need of Allah's Mercy and Pleasure

Anonymous said...

Asa ,
I dont know if this question is 100% relevant, but: 'In 124000 messengers why were all chosen to be men and none women...wisdom behind?'

Anonymous said...

to 3:23 PM

Asisa, Germany

"The youth are the spark of the fire. Either they shall burn the way or pave the way. TIRMIDHI"

I was thinking about those guys of Muslim origin talking loudly about girlfriends or just don't behave in public which is pretty annoying. That's like fire to me. Everything good about Islam becomes ashes just by behaviour.

And I was thinking if young brothers being attentive in a cool way, helping their mum's in the supermarket, lowering their gaze and pray in a way making you feel humble.
That's soothing light to me.

Anonymous said...

Nahla, USA

a) One of the BIGGEST problems is video games. I don't know of any research, but someone should definitely do it. You have grown men who like to sit on the couch playing video games and believe they are achieving something doing that when they could be more productive. It teaches complete laziness and encourages them to get their mind in a virtual world, neglecting real life responsibilites (like getting a job).

b) Parents, especially mothers. There are many mothers who put a lot of pressure on their daughters to succeed at every level, yet they don't care that their son is out of the house from Ishaa to Fajr doing who know what. They teach their sons that their wife will do everything for them. Fathers don't teach their sons that they have to take financial responsibility.

c)women--it is true that many men these days feel inadequate because women are succeeding at every level and occupying the jobs men traditionally held. So they figure, if I can get a woman to work, clean, cook AND take care of kids, why should I put any effort?

Anonymous said...

...This goes for the whole youth- so for the female part as well. Sorry for my narrow mind...

Anonymous said...

Anonymous, USA

Responsibility - (esp. for married brothers) understanding what that is and how to deal with it. In terms of the running the house, descicions, the wife and kids, etc..

Asma (US) said...

A real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection.

Anonymous said...


Assalamu alaykum warahmatulahi wabarakatuhu,

I'd like to add a story to Nahla's comment on video games.

I attended a wedding in 2007 back home. When I was there I noticed a lot of my guy cousins stuck to the computer/lap top screens. They would play video games all night long and sleep at day break. Allahu A'lam if they caught Fajr.

Amongst those guy cousins, one of them was the groom to be. He was a nice person at heart, grew a beard, prayed his salat, but he would be attached to these games which took over his life. He got married and spent his wedding night with his wife. The next day passed, and on the SECOND night after his wedding, he was up in a room with my other guy cousins ... playing video games. His wife was all dressed up sitting in the lounge with us. It was now passed midnight. One cousin after the other went to call him and he said he was coming. He didn't come. His own new wife called him on his cell. He said he would come. He didn't come. It was like he and my other cousins were possessed by the games. Finally I don't know who it was who got him off. It was so embarassing for us, subhanAllah.

MashAllah, his wife was very patient. We all admired her for her good character. She has strong religious values, Alhamdulilah. Now, three years later, my guy cousin is a lot more religious, he has changed immensely, and has a baby boy, mashAllah. He is learning tajweed, living with his mother and taking care of her, and working really hard at work.

Lessons: 1) Video games kill (maybe not physically, but mentally). They make a man forget his responsibilities 2) A righteous wife is indeed the best asset for a man in this world. 3) Just to add, those who have children who play on Milsberry, WebKinz and the likes, that is also something that really kills your child mentally. My little sisters used to play on them, and they would be wasting thier lives. Alhamdulilah, we encouraged them to play outside, it is a great alternative 4) Facebook or Myspace may not be videogames, but when it comes to wasting time and making one forget ones responsibilities, they are also killers. (Unless you use them to do da'wah, reach out to people, etc)

Wa salaam

Anonymous said...

A lot of times we see foreigners coming to the US to study or work who get married just for visa. Can you please address the issue of a man's responsibility when getting married. What rights does a man have before marriage and in the process of marriage?

Riyaz (India) said...

Assalamualaikum Sheikh,

I think interaction with one's parents and the spouse's parents after marriage. Should it be as it was before? I think the question is what are the rights of your parents, wife's parents and your wife over you? How to create that balance as a husband, brother, son etc.

Is it important to be physically strong? One brother in Santa Clara, CA runs this cool training for Dads:
May be we need more of these.

Allah o Alam.

Anonymous said...

Sister, Ontario


I’ve listed some leadership qualities and included some examples from our Islamic history insha Allah. These are reminders to me before anyone.

-> Truthfulness: a leader should not adopt the habit of lying (subtle or not). Once a leader is caught with one lie, he loses the trust of the people.

-> Selflessness in leadership: this quality actually determines ones sincerity in leading only for the sake of Allah.

Example: in the battle of Yarmook, as he was leading the Muslims to victory, Khalid ibn Waleed (ra) respectfully passed on his leadership position to Abu Ubaydah ibn Al-Jarrah (ra) as commanded by the Ameer (ra)

-> Best companionship: Our surroundings have a direct affect on our productivity, and the personal choices we make in life which affect are direct relationship with Allah. We tend to imitate those whom we admire. So who is it that we invite in to our homes and in to our hearts?

Example: Umar (ra) who wished for a room full of Abu Ubaydah’s (ra)

Hadith: "A man will follow the way of his close friends, so let one of you look to whom he takes as a close friend". (Abu Dawud and At-Tirmidhi)

->Prompt in the service of the community/family: Today one would need to pass through a long chain of command to get to a leader, as opposed to the righteous Ameers of our past who were just a call away. They shared with the burden of others, radi Allahu ‘anhum.

Example: The Caliphe Abu Bakr (Abdullah) who would vist the old blind woman and help her with the house choirs.

Anonymous said...


This thread has become a gender flaming war. I see comments by sisters mostly, finding every flaws in men. Not that they really care but because they want to feel superior to the male gender.

If this is the intention of this topic, I am backing out.

Anonymous said...

Salaam. kindly insert the issue on young gentlemen who prefer marrying a non-muslim girl over devoted muslim ladies who they find 'boring'. So disheartening.

Muida (Sister form Phil.)

Anonymous said...

Shaykh Muhammad,

I am so glad you choose to address this topic as it has been a very neglected and misunderstood topic for sometime and poses extremely difficult challenges for those living in North America. My goal is to share my personal development and realizations when it comes to this subject. Let me start first by stating that one must accept the premise that there has been an overt attempt to undermine masculinity and to misconstrue much of what is authentic male behavior as misogyny through various cultural influences film, television, ect. Even among the Non-Muslim population of the United States it was customary when a salesman approached the door he would ask if the man of the house was home. This social arrangement and other have long since been abandoned. To address this problem we must address the real life social dynamics that are playing out day to day. The first thing that must be taught to our young men is to learn where their value lies spiritually, mentally,socially, politically, and economically and where it does not. It is the dream of every young man with aspirations to be socially distinguished from his peers and to be recognized for the contributions he has made to his community and to society at large. Unfortunately too many young men today are seeking not to find value in what they have to offer humanity. But what they have to offer a woman, and far too often the woman they are going out of their way to appease is a woman of ill repute. This in turn leads to confusion of our dedicated and loyal women who to put it bluntly only see disloyal Jezebels as successful in acquiring mates (at least temporarily). What our young men and women are facing is very simply a lack of order, a lack of rules and regulations governing social behavior. In traditional societies men have always set the standard and the par for which their women and children had to adhere. Today's men (and I'm using that term generously) are not setting standards for themselves nor are they requiring any standards of their mates. And to be fair this is not always the fault of the young man he may wish to have order in his home but he is at war with a society that undermines his very manhood so he just gives up and capitulates to conform with the social norm. I am in no way excusing this capitulation. In addition to this when he goes to an Islamic conference all he might here is how he needs to man up but very little emphasis is placed on setting standards for our women. This is in fact the crux of the problem this is the elephant in the room that no one wants to acknowledge. It is my sincere hope that my words are received and considered carefully.

Your Brother In Islaam

Rasheed Moore
Los Angeles, California

Umm Hamza said...

This falls under #12: What is the opposite opinion of the approach we are taking, and
what are their arguments? What's the response to the response?

-Opposite opinion: A man's jealousy over his wife is controlling & possessive.

-Response: The Prophet (saw) had the most gheerah for his womenfolk, men should strive to emulate him in this and not feel ashamed. Also, gheerah extends beyond the wife. A man should also be watching out for his mother, sisters, aunts, daughters. We women do appreciate this protectiveness at the end of the day. -USA

Anonymous said...

AA Brothers/Sisters/Sh.M Alshareef,

Abu Ishaq al-Huwainy put togther a great lecture "Qawamat ar-Rajjul 2" in his series, "Fadfadah Eemaniyyah" under "baraamij Qanaat al-Rahmah"

He broke down qawamah into four sections - with proofs and beautiful stories included in the lecture)-

A man is:

1-resolute (hazm)
4-virtuously refraining(afaaf)- best translation I could come up with.


Anonymous said...


Sorry, the lecture on qawammah by Abu Ishaq is on


Unknown said...

Aassalamu alaikum Shaykh.Can you please addreess that if husbands find their wives want to be a fulltime student of knowledge they need to take care of them who can ra
ise leaders of the nation.Farjana Absar

Anonymous said...

What is the role of the father aside from financial aid? How much authority does he have in the family? How responsible is he in the raising of the children? Who should be the leader in decision making the husband or the wife? Or in which areas can he over-rule her choices if any.

coco jumbo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

@Muida: what is the fault of those brothers who find Muslim sister's boring?Sisters should understand and then try to not be boring. If they did, I assure that men would start finding them interesting.

Anonymous said...

Are we talking about manhood in islam or marriage in islam, i got confused along the way with the comments.Dignity, self respect and self esteem.I seriously believe that these are core problems regarding the issue of manhood. Sheikh AE at one of the almagrib seminars talked about how the real problem is that everyone is lacking life experience and it has become really crippling in our development.



Anonymous said...

Ummi, Malaysia
Salam alaikum
I have 2 sons in their early 20s. My eldest is always bessoted by girls and he never seem to get the right one. He is restless and anxiuos to have some one and to start a family. It takes a lot of time and effort for me to make him realize that there as a lot to learn. Becoming a man for some needs help specially from mothers. Young men should talk and let their mother listens, the way I see it, the closer they are to their mothers, the more confident they have. They know there is always someone who would listen.
Close bonding between young men and their mothers, always help to ease the burden of growing up into manhood.

Anonymous said...

UAE Anon
We all know why we are here and what our purpose is; To worship Allaah swt.

How to be a man:
-raising boys by steven biddulp had some good points in it.
-homeshcooling is a good idea
-reading the seerah of the prophet sws, abu bakr, umar ra and the companions with your children or younger brothers/ even sisters
-reading stories from the quran
-you become a man when you grow pubic hair (well thats one sign of it)
once you do that you are a man no longer a child.
you have no excuse that your dad or mum didnt tell you how to pray or make ghusel, because now your an adult it is your responisibilty to learn and do what needs to be done.
-giving your children good company and responsibilty will help them grow up and mature

Anonymous said...

Assalmu Alaykum,
Here are a few things that i beleive need some addressing:

- The importance of manners
- The role of 'the man' as a husband, brother, and son
- Domestic abuse...and attitudes towards wives and sisters
...and also, if you could talk a bit about how men nowadays mistake the cultural role and responsibilities with thier Islamic obligations, cause i think a lot of the problems stem down from misunderstanding and replacing culture with religion.

Wa Salaam

Anonymous said...

can you also focus on domestic abuse in the form of nagging, taunts, and inappropriate behavior shown by wives to Muslim males? More specifically, how a man is supposed to reach in such weird situations created by their wives?

Kashif Amin said...

Asalaamu Alaykum Sheikh,

I once listened to a talk by Sheikh Zahir Mahmood from the UK. It was about Khalid Ibn Waleed RadiAllahu Anhu (now there was a man, if ever there was one!).

In any case, the Sheikh related to us the following:

"The Ulemah of Islam define a man in three forms. The first is a real man. He is one who has intelligence (knowledge & wisdom) combined with bravery (the guts to fight and do what needs to be done). They regard such attributes as essential in definine a holistic man.

The second is a man who either the knowledge, but no bravery, or vice versa. The Ulemah regard such a man as 'half-a-man'.

The final category is one who has neither knowledge nor bravery and the Ulemah say that he is not a man at all."

Hope this is of some use to you.


Unknown said...

Muhammad Ahmed Saleem - Saudi Arabia, email:
I have useful info, it is 'Seven Habits Of Highly Successful Muslim Youth' By Altaf Husain (7pages). How to send it? jazakh Allah khairan.

Anonymous said...

Sarah – Saudi Arabia

You know this is a tough one... in this day and age, "manhood" is so closely defined by how the man in question treats the people around him, many of whom are women, many of whom have much to say about this very man. Even many of the people responding to your questions are female, because we (myself included) have so much at stake as you draft your definition.

I find that it’s actually the primary concern for the men around me (and Alhamdulillah I’ve been blessed with an amazing father, great brothers, and a wonderful husband), who want to fulfill their Islamic duties towards the Muslim Ummah, but find themselves torn by the responsibility they have towards their families. I think the key is that men have been created in a way that they are capable to do all these things at once, whether they realize it or not. And unlike women, who’s “femalehood” is very much dependent on the men around them, a man has the power to enable the women around him to help him achieve his multifaceted goals.

For example, many of the problems listed above are about the post-marital balance between a man’s wife and his mother… the good news for men is that THEY hold the power to manage the relationship between these two hugely important women in his life. But in order to achieve this, he can’t cower and stick his head under the sand and pretend that it’s their problem which they must resolve.

While a man and another man CAN have relationships with no defined power denomination [even as sons grow older, their relationships with their fathers equalize], he cannot ever have that equality (equity is a whole other issue) with the women in his life, because he is by definition responsible for them, their safety, and their well-being: his mother, sister, wife, daughter ... and others in his extended family.

What's happened over time though... is that this clear responsibility has become steeped with *cultural* baggage, and men have grown up with warped ideas (i.e. unislamic) of what manhood really is.

On the other hand, these women that he's responsible for, have lately (as of the past 2-3 generations) been slowly taken out of those cultural definitions, and crossed into a more modernized mindset - again, not always islamic - though some may claim so; they are more independent, thus they shun the concept of being someone else's responsibility.

So here we have a disparity, and there is no way to return to how life was 100 years ago, we just have to find a new way of reconciling this dynamic, and redefining some of this key vocabulary, and making sure that it's in tune with our Islamic parameters. I do look forward to your findings, and as I’ve said before, I have much at stake as my family grows, with what you may find.

Okay so what are the key ingredients for a responsible male? Here is my answer (I actually thought it out, and it is in order of priority, and it’s extrapolated from when I used to work in a humanitarian organization):


Anonymous said...

Sarah - Saudi Arabia

1. He has to make a commitment to being a responsible muslim man. If he’s only into it half-heartedly, he will never achieve it.
2. He needs to set standards for himself. Lucky for the muslim man, these standards are readily available in the comprehensive books of Quran Hadith. So things like… not cheating in business should be on this list of standards, and if it is, then people will trust and respect him more. And his standards should constantly be improving as his knowledge improves.
3. Communication. He needs to communicate these standards when put in difficult situations – whether at home, business, in religious discussions… keeping in mind this Hadith: Yahya related to me from Malik from Ibn Shihab from Ali ibn Husayn ibn Ali ibn Abi Talib that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Part of the excellence of a man's Islam is that he leaves what does not concern him."
4. Inclusion and participation – I think a sign of a great man (a good leader, a good son, a good father) is that he includes and engages relevant people in relevant situations. That means he needs to generous with his time, his money, his energies, and his ideas.
5. He needs to be assertive and ask the people and things he his responsible for if everything is ok…
6. If there are any serious concerns or complaints anyone has about him, he should address them immediately, and he should accept that there is possibility he is wrong.

Anonymous said...

you should talk to men about not thinking their always right and blaming women for everything and then beating them.

Amaan Hameed said...

“Life is short, time is precious, death near, and the distance to travel great, while the moment of standing before God to account for everything, however insignificant, is daunting and hard.” [Imam al-Haddad]

Anonymous said...

Ibrahim from U.S.A,

Jazaak Allahu khairun brother Mohammad Alshareef. You are such a great, helpful and valuable asset to this ummah. May Allah grant you enormous blessings and rewards. Ameen.

It is hard to find a job that does not involve haram things. Could you please answer for me this question?: Is making images/pictures of Allah's creation haram if one is doing it for medical purposes, ex. a sonographer making ultrasound images?

I am trying to find a halal job, and I need to know if this is halal or not.

Jazaak Allahu khairun. May Allah enter you in Jannat-ul-Firdaus. Ameen.

Anonymous said...

Assalam O Alaikum,

To prepare any lecture, the best guidance is Allahs commandments and then seerah of Rasool Allah, and Alhudmullah the guideline given by Allah Swt and sunnah of Rasool Allah covers all aspect of life.

JazakAllah Khair
Your Brither in islam.

Abdus Saboor

Anonymous said...

Umm Mryam A UK

Knowing the Islamic roles, responsiblities as a father, husband, brother, brother in Islam.

Extar skills: Helping in house work,

Anonymous said...

'Omar Bin Mazhar, UK

Assalaam o alaykum,

if ur gonna talk about manhood, then u most definitely need to speak about gheerah... a man having gheerah over his women folk and not letting then run around so loosely when they want how they want where they want...

wassalaam o alaykum,

Akhook: 'Omar Bin Mazhar

Anonymous said...

Some very interesting comments above =]

13) actions which can be taken

- As well as asking what can the men themselves do, what can those around them do to help them? whether wives/ sisters/ parents etc.?

- "behind every great man, is a woman"

I am a woman, and i do sincerely believe our role is also vital in ensuring our men (husbands, brothers, fathers, sons) become the best of this ummah. We have a lot of influence and should use it to encourage good. Too often i see women chasing nice clothes,nice house and a nice life, although this isnt necessarily wrong, it shouldn't become a preoccupation with dunya, where the men then also become preoccupied, not realising THEY are the ameer of the household. The men need to learn how to advise these kind of women in an islamic manner, maintaining harmony in the household. There needs to be balance and recognition of those around you and yourself as a man. Likewise, women need to try and bring out the best in their men. You know best their strengths and weaknessess, so help them become closer to Allah and better themselves. This obviously works both ways, and requires effort and patience, from both parties.

-More brotherhood is a definite solution. Brothers who support eachother, give encouragement or even hold one another to account. Keep the company of good brothers, who are inspiring and motivating.


Anonymous said...

I think this might be of help insh'Allah.
All the best Sh. Muhammad

Anonymous said...

Assalam Alaikum,

Br Al-Shareef, please include in your speech tips for those men too who do not have have any women in their life except mothers. They do not want to get married and hence all of the above suggestions do not apply to them. They are career-minded professional men destined to make great discoveries for the ummah. So can you please describe their Islamic responsibilities in regards to the only woman in their life: their mother.

Also the responsibilities of such men within the context of a society?

It would be really unfortunate if your speech only addresses how men folk are supposed to be responsible to women or family ....

Walaikum Assalam.

Anonymous said...

Sister from the UK

Assalamu alaikum,

-responsibility - to ALLAH, to creation, to ummah, to family, to parents to wife, to children

-leadership & knowledge

-bravery & courage to do that which is right

-physical strength


-mercy vs anger
حديث أبى هريرة رضى الله عنه أن رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم قال :{ليس الشديد بالصُّرَعةِ ، إنما الشديد الذى يملك نفسه عند الغضب} . متفق عليه

- The phrase: رأس الحكمة مخافة الله

- من حسن إسلام المرء تركه ما لا يعنيه}. رواه مسلم}

- Some interesting points on manhood on with some quotes and ahadith:

Happy Muslim Mama said...


I wondered if the following links might be of use:

This brother writes a lot on Islam, fatherhood and masculinity:

Hijabman interview mentioning masculinity:

Anonymous said...

Fathiya, Canada

Salamu alaykum Sheick

Excellent topic

I believe there is a real crisis in the ummah when it comes to Muslim male identity or malehood.

In particular in the Somali community.

Theres a High rate of MIA Fathers (or Fathers Missing in Action : Primary cause of problem

Subsequently the Mother becomes the Provider, sustainer and role model of the household.

Young men grow up without a father figure or sense of responsibility.

Much of the responsibility falls on Young Women and as a result they grow up with a sense of maturity and responsibility >>> they pursue work, education ( islamic and or secular etc... then when it comes time for marriage, most brothers of that age range are not equally ready ( mentally or financially)

the major problem here is a lack of proper role model ( the father, uncle, male relative for young men)

Also the mothers seem to "baby" their sons and set low standards for them.

Abdullah Munawar said...

Abdullah, London,UK

I'm looking forward to the great event. May Allah accept this on our behalf.

After reading some of the responses I must say that many of the men have let down the women in their lives....there seems to be frustration and disappointment.

E.g. If you consider the fact that how much responsibility that men have been given by the creator and yet we talk disproportionately lot about women's responsibilities and their wearing of Hijab. I feel that it is just a tactic to steer away the focus or distract people from finding out that we have fallen so low! Subhanallah, we are failing with regards to the responsibility that we were given by Allah ta'ala....surely we will be asked about every one of them!

As for now, I would like to say that we have lost many men to the culture. Unfortunately, to many religion has become a trivial matter and is practised in a very ritualistic manner where the spirit of Islam is not present.

And oh yes, I wish everybody could understand what manners really mean...

Salaamu Alaikum My brothers and sisters.

Loga'Abdullah said...

This past Ramadan, I witnessed something truly amazing and inspiring. This all took place between the Taraweh and the Qiyyam al-layl prayers, at time when most of the brothers in itikaf tried to catch a few hours of sleep. I noticed a young brother, around ten years of age sitting alone in the masjid reciting the Qur’an. He was under the very wings of the angels who descend upon those who mention the dhikr of Allah. His voice had turned hoarse from the length of rehearsal of the verses of the holy Quran. I thought to myself, masha’Allah, this scene is truly amazing. As a person in my twenties, I decided to try and speak with this young brother’s father to see if I might gain some knowledge about parenting; with the hope that I might learn how to raise righteous children such as this young brother, insha’Allah.

The following are some lessons I was taught by that father, which I share here because of their importance – May Allah reward him abundantly, for every single that person that benefits from and acts upon this knowledge.

Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, said, “The best of you is the one who is best with his family, and, among you, I am the best to my family”


The whole article here:

I can't post it because it is too long, it says there is a character limit.


Unknown said...

Ali - USA
For a non-Muslim perspective on the crisis in male behavior you should check out several of the 'Men's Movement" books like "Iron John" by Robert Bly, and "Men and the Water of Life" by Michael Meade, or "The Flying Boy" by John Lee. All of these books are premised on the crisis in male identity and how it causes much of the violent behavior toward women. Certainly single parent families headed by women are one reason for this problem. For one thing, single parent families breed intolerance - the child grows up with the idea that they will always get their way - after all, the single parent always does. Then, psychologically, it takes a man to make a man. When a boy is raised by exclusively by women, no matter how good they are as parents, he will not develop a healthy male identity. (Girls suffer just as much - it take two parents to raise children properly). Islam inculcates a sense of extended family, providing an environment that encourages tolerance - seeing the world for many people's eyes, not just your own - and tolerates well rounded behavior, not the hyper macho stereotype where manhood is defined only by anger and violence, and any other feelings, including religious ones, are "feminine" or "gay."

Anonymous said...

As Salaamualikum
As women striving to get closer to Allah azzalwajal, it it so diffcult when there is little reminder of Allah from the husbands. It is very hard even to appraoch the issuse with the husbands becuase they feel as if they are being attack. They make the excuse of not having enough time to seek knowlege becuase they are out there trying to provide for their families.Part of their responsibility to thier families is to remind that of Allah and teach them. I really think emphasis needs to be put on the duty of brothers to seek essential knowledge, so they can help to save themselves and their families.
I think what you are doing is mashaallah an excellent thing. These topic need much attention. We are loosing our youth, marriges are falling apart,we are in trubble. May Allah reward you greatly for this...Ameen

Umm Aadam said...

Umm Aadam,Good ole Uk,

1. Are men really immaure?
2. What has lead to this immaturity?
3. What can men do to get out of it?
4. What can women do to stop thinking they're immature? - Which inturn makes them look immature.

Unknown said...

Assalamu alaikum,

maybe about the beard? Sorry, that's all i could think of. i meant how it doesn't make a man look ugly and how manly it is.

Anonymous said...

The issue of "Manhood in Islam" is at the very top of the list of problems which plauge the muslim umaah today.

It is fundamental to the humiliated state that we are in.

As a muslim woman, it really pains me to say this but it needs to be said. Allah has decreed that the role of the man is to be responsible for guiding those under his care (his family, his extended family, the yateem, etc) and being responsible for their ilm, ibadaah, and thier
support. and guiding his brothers in the "haq--Truth" of Islam as evidanced in the surah Wal Asr.

I offer two very painful anticdoes to illustrate the depth of this problem.

1. In a recent Al Magrarib class the topic required that may ayats of varous surahs be read aloud. The surahs being discussed were very short and basic: Juz Amma). The teacher needed brothers to recite the ayats aloud for the class. Although there were a significant number of them present, their were very very few volenteers. The teacher had to resort to asking the young girls, under the age of 8, to recite the aya's to the class. They did so without hesitation.

Is this bad news, or what? If the brothers do not have enough iman or knowledge to read an aya of Qur'an aloud, what about anything else? Are they fit to guide their families to jennah? The answer is pretty obvious. Im feel pretty certain that they know alot about sports,sports stars, holywood personalities, and cars. They probably would not mind talking about that.

2. I recently heard aabout a brother who divorced his sick wife, via email while she was out of the country caring for her sick father. His wife is a woman who reverted to Islam, made hijrah to a muslim country, (his country but she did not meet him untill she was living there) and has no muslim family. This man just returned from hajj.
Do you think that he could guide his family to jennah?

Well, this is clearly the problem, but what about the solution? No one can say that they have no acess to ilm. We are living in a technological age where there is more information about islam than ever before. Isn't it fard to seek ilm? The masjids are basically empty during the times of salah. Isn't it fard upon the men to pray jummah in the masjid.

Didn't Rasol allah SAS tell the "blind man" that if he could hear the adthan and did not have to cross water, that he had to go to the masjid to pray with the jama'ah.

How many men pray like women in there homes when the masjid is so close to where they live? The good news is that they pray. How many men do not even do that? I see many men (in a muslim country) standing in front of the masjid at the time of the salat and they do not even go in.

Remember the Day of Judgement is real and Allah wil ask all of us about what we die and what we didn't do. What are all of these MEN going to say to Allah?


Anonymous said...

The problem is obvious: Majority of Muslim Men today are not understanding and fulfilling the RESPONSIBILITIES entrusted to them by Allah.



The DEGREE that Allah raised the men over the women is not JUST to bring FOOD home, but rather includes to GUIDE the FAMILY. Allah said in the Quran "protect yourselves and your FAMILY from the FIRE..."








Anonymous said...

It is a Real problem within Muslim Ummah and I am glad that you are trying to address it.
Why it is a problem? Because:
Many Muslim males are not taking their responsibilities
Not treating their wives as they deserve
Misusing the Deen, marrying many wifes while they cannot take care of even one
Not being there for there children
Expecting women to do everything for them
Not being justice/fair
Think they can decide whatever they want (because of qawaama)without taking account of what their wifes want
Most of scholars do not talk about women's rights but talk all the time what women should do for their husbands while they dont educate men about their responsibilities regarding their wifes and children. I am confident that you would prepare a great lecture to educate our Muslim men about their lost responsibilities. We have in our non-Islamic society what we call the lost fathers.

Anonymous said...

As Salamualykum umm maryam UAE

insha'ALlaah this will be a good talk.

having read a lot of the comments, masha'Allaah some ppl have interesting comments it got me thinking;

i would like to remind everyone that Allaah swt will ask EACH of US, wheather WE fulfilled our responsibilites towards each other on the day of judgement.

so HE swt will ask men
He swt will ask women

HE Subhana Wa Tallah will ask each of us if we looked after our parents, our spouse, our children our neightbours etc

So if we all started to learn what our obligations towards others is, we would have more time to gain reward insha'Allaah and less time to focus on other peoples shotrcomings. Allaah swt will ask all of us about what we did.

did we listen to/or help our parents, our sister, our brother, our inlaws, our husband our wife, our neightbour? the sick one in the neighbourhood?

or did we just blame each other and forget to focus on the good? instead of attacking each other and blaming think about how we can sincerely help each other?

heard a good talk? read a good book? share parts of it with your spouse/ parent/ friend etc you know they dont have time to read? put it on a disc so they can listen to it on the way to work, OR tell them little bits of it that made YOU think.

we usually talk rubbish with most ppl most of the time, instead, think will what i am going to say benefit me? benefit the person who will hear it?

if we all try to learn and make LOADS of dua maybe we will be granted the wisdom to teach ppl with sinceretiy and kindness so that they hear what we are saying, wheather it is to our parents/ friends, sibilings spouse etc


Anonymous said...

Amina, UK.
Asalaam alaykoum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatahu. I think it would be cool if u mentioned the lessons from the life and personality of Dawud (as)... with him being a Prophet, King, Warrior, and a Manual Labourer (blacksmith) I think we could learn a thing or two from him (especailly men). He's a great example of how men should take responsibilty in all aspects of their lives, the Prophet (s.a.w) mentioned that Dawud (as) never ate that which his hands did not earn from labour. Brothers (and sisters) are getting lazy nowadays. I think Dawud (as) is a great example for muslims and it would be fabulous if you could touch on his story and lessons from it inshallah.
Wa Salaam.

Anonymous said...

Here is a site dedicated to this topic:
There are many interesting articles, but to anyone reading, be aware that it has some Christian influence to it, but many of their values are things that we agree with.

Anonymous said...

Sarah - Saudi Arabia

Another thought: how can a man manage his family issues, so that he can do greater things for his Ummah. Only if the machinery of his home life is peaceful and progressive can he look to this responsibility which falls on his shoulders. (This would also tie into the point a brother made above- he said he is career-minded and is destined to do great things for the ummah without having a family.... kind of an impractical thought, considering the value of family is integral to being a good muslim.)

Also, how can a mother raise her sons well enough so that he is able to kickstart a meaningful life (without having one of those dysfunctional relationships with her son)?


Anonymous said...

Understanding 'manhood' should start at an early age. Growing up as a young boy in a non-islamic country requires one's elders to teach and guide us about all facets of islamic life. Quite often this education is lacking or just missing, and young men then start then using other possibly non muslim men around them.

Anonymous said...

Areeb - Toronto, Canada

Question: How should male Muslims in the West deal with the concept of Alpha Male / top dog? Especially in public high school and work settings. Although in high school, it may not matter much in the bigger picture, but at work this could have significant impact on your salary and professional development. I can see this being especially more relevant in workplace roles such as Sales, Marketing, PR, and second-line and higher management.

Abez said...

A ton of interesting points have come up in the comments- will we be able to access the final product? Will the lecture be available in mp3 format online?

Unknown said...

السلام عليكم

جزاك الله خيرا
for addressing this issue! I think it a critical one that has only become increasingly challenging for all of us.

MashaAllah, a lot of people have already contributed some great sources and many Islamic sources.

I would humbly like to recommend the following non-Islamic sources which we as Muslims would do well to understand and can benefit from
باذن الله

Iron John: A Book About Men by poet Robert Bly. A very powerful look at the crisis of manhood in today's society.

John Gray's famous Mars/Venus books.

This last book I have not read myself but I heard the author on NPR recently. It is entitled: Save the Males: Why Men Matter Why Women Should Care. The author, Kathleen Parker, explores the campaign in modern society and media against men and malehood.

عمران - USA
Banu Rochester

Yusuf said...

Riaz, thanks for mentioning my training!

The physical is certainly connected to spiritual/emotional/intellectual.

People with healthy hormone levels and high testosterone are more apt to take decisive action, not suffer from depression, and act courageously. Of course one cannot be a man based on physical attributes alone, but for a man that has the ability to care for himself physically and does not (stays sedentary and physically weak), I don't see how we can call this person a complete man. He is deficient in this important area until the moment he takes action and commits himself to remedy this area of life.

wa salaam,


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